Omfg I was sitting in a room with a bunch of my aunts, uncles and cousins and my grandma had this weird smile on her face so I asked her what was up and she just looked at me and said “everyone in this house is alive thanks to my vagina”
You know what keeps me calm and maintains my belief in humanity in times like this…..Brandi Carlile
WHEN YOU’RE LEANING OFF YOUR BED TO GRAB SOMETHING AND YOU TRY TO GET BACK UP ONLY REALIZE YOU’VE LEANED TO FAR AND THERE’S JUST THAT FEELING OF SHAME AS YOU LET YOUR BODY SLIDE OFF THE BED BECAUSE YOU COULDN’T PULL YOURSELF BACK UP IN TIME
- me before working out: no no not the gym anything but this i just want burgers why god whyyy
- me after working out: I CAN'T WAIT TO DO THIS AGAIN TOMORROW I JUST FEEL SO GOOD
- Harper: I burned dinner.
- Joe: Sorry.
- Harper: Not my dinner. My dinner was fine. Your dinner. I put it back in the oven and turned everything up as high as it could go and watched till it burned blacked. It's still hot. Very hot. Want it?
- Joe: You didn't have to do that.
- Harper: I know. I just seemed like the kind of thing a mentally deranged sex-starved pill-popping housewife would do.